angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
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[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.