Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
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I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.