@ThaJawn

Angel: God.. Were you drunk creating last night?

God: no…..

Angel: *holds up platypus

God: a little..

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@Jake_Vig

ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?

ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.

@ddsmidt

Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]

*Falls off ladder*

Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?

@Darlainky

A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.

@StaceyShortcake

My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.

@ZombieProblms

I hate being the walking dead.

I wish I could be the driving dead.

Even the bus riding dead would do.

@Reverend_Scott

DOG 911: What’s your emer-

DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE

DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?

DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

@johnbcrist

I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.

@DaddyJew

Some kid at the pool: wanna see me do something cool?

Me: I don’t even want to see my own kid do something cool