Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Angel: God.. Were you drunk creating last night?
Angel: *holds up platypus
God: a little..
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ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
All excellent questions
Some kid at the pool: wanna see me do something cool?
Me: I don’t even want to see my own kid do something cool