Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
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*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.