Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
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I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Fight
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*