@ibid78

Angel: “I think we can all agree that 6 is enough.”
God (clearly upset about something else): “NO. GIVE SPIDERS 8 LEGS.”

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@fro_vo

[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen

@flashember

[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]

ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath

JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back

R: we’re turtles, Juliet

@Darlainky

Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?

@AndrewNadeau0

I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.

@PickleRudd

With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.

@heatherlou_

These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.

@just1fool

Coworker:I’ll take care if it.

*Translation*

You’re gonna take care of it. You just don’t know it yet.

@boxergraphix

#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring

@JohnLyonTweets

Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.

*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*

Well that sucked.

@ADDiane

I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.