Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
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Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
shut up and take my money
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.