ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
You Might Also Like
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?