angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
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If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
Swedish for common sense.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.