angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible

god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls

angel: ok first question why

god: wait i’m not finished

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[First day of prison]
“Hey man. Wanna be in our gang?”
Sure, I’ll call you. Just give me your cell number
*gets stabbed*


Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”


*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*


I don’t trust super skinny women who bake all the time. Where are all those calories going Susan? Hmm???


Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.


should probably not think about sad things at work i mean who wants to buy a dildo from someone who was clearly just crying in the shoe room


spent the better part of an hour looking and it really is impossible to pick a favorite Far Side


If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again


Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.