@Shen_the_Bird

angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible

god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls

angel: ok first question why

god: wait i’m not finished

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@Ristolable

[First day of prison]
“Hey man. Wanna be in our gang?”
Sure, I’ll call you. Just give me your cell number
*gets stabbed*

@nattylumpo88

Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”

@VanGobot

*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL

@broken_rhi

I don’t trust super skinny women who bake all the time. Where are all those calories going Susan? Hmm???

@causticbob

Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.

@Kalarlis

should probably not think about sad things at work i mean who wants to buy a dildo from someone who was clearly just crying in the shoe room

@eeberquist

spent the better part of an hour looking and it really is impossible to pick a favorite Far Side

@reallifemommy3

If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again

@dreamthievin

Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.