angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?

god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun

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Are you on Twitter?

No. But if I ever join I’ll send you a friend request.

That’s how you make people believe you aren’t on Twitter.


one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on


Wife: I just heard something downstairs.

Me: It’s just the wind.

Wife: Go and see.

Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.


All the good guys aren’t taken; they’re at the bar on Tuesday nights.

Trust me. I’m a stranger on the internet.


My dad just realized that the apartment his unmarried aunt has been living in for the past 20 years with her “best friend” Irene has one bedroom.

He’s so confused.

“Does Irene sleep on the couch? She’s 83! She shouldn’t be sleeping on the couch!”



It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.


me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster

hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic


Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?


Sea cucumbers are actually animals, so regular cucumbers are either lying or they need to step their game up.