@TheHyyyype

angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?

god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun

angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?

god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun

- @TheHyyyype

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@KeetPotato

zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf

@TheTweetOfGod

St. Patrick’s Day may just be an excuse to drink, but then again so is Ireland.

@LoneWolfStories

Autocorrect changed smell to spell but you know what? Your spelling is horrible too.

@Jazzzzzmina

How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?

There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.

@SondraDeeMe

My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.

@pleatedjeans

[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]

@LackOfShame

Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.

@sweet_toof

Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”

@alldrolledup

my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up

me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair

@markedly

[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”