angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
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I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.