narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
You Might Also Like
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder