Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
Angel: So what is this?
God: The alligator
Angel: Why, it looks like the crocodile
God: It’s the android version
[ Fist bump ]
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Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Her: I was so scared you’d be a weirdo
Me [revving chainsaw]: I CANT HEAR YOU
I’m pretty sure that the guy who wrote about the Apocalypse was a meteorologist.
My exes new girlfriend has been calling me looking for him for days. It got old. I gave in and sent her the map and shovel.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.