Angel: So what is this?

God: The alligator

Angel: Why, it looks like the crocodile

God: It’s the android version

[ Fist bump ]

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Is your refrigerator running?

Because I might vote for it.


[blind date]

Her: I was so scared you’d be a weirdo

Me [revving chainsaw]: I CANT HEAR YOU


I’m pretty sure that the guy who wrote about the Apocalypse was a meteorologist.


My exes new girlfriend has been calling me looking for him for days. It got old. I gave in and sent her the map and shovel.


”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!


I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.


I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.