Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?

God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.

Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?



God: Get Noah on the line.

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“It’s okay, little buddy. Mommy cries when her bottle is empty, too.”


Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”


A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave


*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.


I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.


Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.


Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”

What a stupid idea for a tattoo.


“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.


I’m at Target and just overheard a mom tell her toddler, “Well, unfortunately, you’re human.” I don’t know the whole story, but SAME.