Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
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OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
🛁
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.