I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God: Get Noah on the line.
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“It’s okay, little buddy. Mommy cries when her bottle is empty, too.”
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
*drops ice cube*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
I’m at Target and just overheard a mom tell her toddler, “Well, unfortunately, you’re human.” I don’t know the whole story, but SAME.