Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
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Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
This is true.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Good dog. ❤️
bro what is going on at twitter
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.