Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out

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I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.


“Creepy DM: I want to shave your legs.
Me: Ew”

On reflection this would have been a real time saver.

If you’re reading this, call me?


I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”


[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed


noah: two of every single species on earth

god: yes

noah: and a boat to fit them all

god: yes

noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time

god: yes

noah: and all my friends are going to die

god: yes

noah: but like the world will be good after that right

god: i mean


The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.


One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.


[First Date]

HIM: So, you like Star Wars.
ME: *sipping soup thru a bendy straw so I don’t have to take off my C-3PO mask* *shakes head yes*


YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy

Me: *astonished whisper* Son?