angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
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Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
North and South
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less