angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
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Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o