angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
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Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break