@Reverend_Scott

Angel: Whatcha makin?

God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.

Angel: That sounds innovative-

God: Others will eat them and die

Angel: …is this a prank?

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@OBiiieeee

Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*

@LauraFred

You know what’s fucked? As people keep going out and acting like covid isn’t a big deal, my nurse friends and I (in our 20s) are contemplating whether it’s time to get our wills drawn up. Because we know not all of us will make it. Hope you had fun at the beach, Karen.

@fro_vo

*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*

@IamEveryDayPpl

Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …

@milkinhisbag

met ariana grande today, didn’t have a pen and paper so i had her sign my notes

@PopSlapFunk

*Arrives to save damsel in distress*

Me: “Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your–”

Rapunzel: “I have a boyfriend.”

Dragon flying by: “BURN!!”

@shanethevein

I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.

I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.

@maebemarbles

*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*

@AmishPornStar1

You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…

Yeah, well I ate her.