Angel: what’s that thing for?

God: that’s the uterus. It carries life

Angel: oh nice. so it just hangs out quietly for years until there’s a baby in it?

God: lol no

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WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock


CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.


Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.


A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.


Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow


Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio


My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?


A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.

Which one of you was it?