@ankles_so_weak

Angel: what’s that thing for?

God: that’s the uterus. It carries life

Angel: oh nice. so it just hangs out quietly for years until there’s a baby in it?

God: lol no

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@JB4Realz

WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock

@2tickytacky

CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.

@JasonLastname

Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.

@robdelaney

A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.

@newLettuce

Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow

@johntabin

Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio

@ImMelanieGibson

My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?

@envydatropic

A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.

Which one of you was it?