If you squint, Pitbull looks like a grown up Tommy Pickles from Rugrats.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
angel: helped others
angel: did all u could
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
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im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
milk duds: when you want some candy but also crave a dislocated jaw
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
*Comes home with seven 5 lb bags of Halloween candy.
Husband: Didn’t you see the email? There’s no trick or treating in the neighborhood this year.
Me: I saw it.
The self checkout lane was probably invented by a guy who was sent to the store to buy tampons.