*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
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[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.