[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
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Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?