I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
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My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
She: I like Cats
He:
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason