*angrily whispering over crib*
“Sheila you know I was raised by wolves. I have to pay it forward.”
“But why do they need their own cribs?”

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*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*

Me: And now we wait

[2 days later] *nothing*

[1 week later] *still nothing*

[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now

Me: I said, we wait!!!


Black Mirror really outdid themselves this time. Having us experience season 6 instead of watching it on Netflix. Outstanding. 👏🏾


*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*


I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake


My son asked where I was going because I was wearing my ‘big eyebrows’ so don’t tell me men don’t notice shit


-Why didn’t you answer your home phone?
-Because I’m walking the dog. Don’t you trust me?
-Of course I trust you! Put the dog on the phone.


I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.


COP: Are you drunk?

ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?

*walks in a perfectly straight line*

COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff


If a British guy caught his wife cheating he’d probably be like “right. what’s all this then”


Sometimes you can’t just tell your kids to make good choices, you have to show them.

Which is why I’m having strawberry toaster strudel and carrot cake for breakfast.

Eat your fruits and veggies kids!