Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
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Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.