My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
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Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
How I like cutting carbs
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.