Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
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Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
My five year plan is a meteorite
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Unexpected Judgment
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes