Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.

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If there’s awkward silence & he asks what you’re thinking about “emotionally damaged werewolves” is not the best answer. I know this now.


[To police.]

“I want to press charges on my co-worker Steve.”

“What’d he do?”

“Warmed up fish in the office microwave.”

“…Cuff him.”


My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.


My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.


CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.

ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*

[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]


which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills


Maybe if I answer the door naked the pizza delivery guy won’t realize I paid with Monopoly money.