Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
You Might Also Like
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
I put the h in mysterious.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*