If there’s awkward silence & he asks what you’re thinking about “emotionally damaged werewolves” is not the best answer. I know this now.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
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Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
“I want to press charges on my co-worker Steve.”
“What’d he do?”
“Warmed up fish in the office microwave.”
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Maybe if I answer the door naked the pizza delivery guy won’t realize I paid with Monopoly money.