Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.

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Doctor: have you been drinking?

Me: no, your honor


Are your clothes meant to scream out “help” when you squeeze yourself into them?


It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”


why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2


As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.


Me: pick your poison….

Him: a margarita would be nice…

Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad


I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.


A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.


sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over