Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
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They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
Things will get butter, keep churning
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
definitely did not do anything wrong
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
unbelievably distressed by this ad
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.