*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
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NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Animal poetry
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.