@ThaJawn

(Animal school)

Lion: That’s my desk

Wildebeast: Sorry, I’m gnu

-5 minutes later

Sloth: *slowly falling from chair* Ha. Ha. Ha. Gnu!

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@just1fool

We all have that one singing coworker that makes you want to test your throat grip.

@thedailymarker

When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.

@steeve_again

[training the new person at work]

Them: so you do this everyday?

Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes

@PPathole

Me: I’m a programmer.

Person 1: “make my website pls”

Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”

Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”

Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”

Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”

@OctopusCaveman

Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.

Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.

Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of

@Mr_Kapowski

[calls wife from store]

“Are you in more of a frolicking or jumping in the air mood? There’s so many tampon choices”

@DontTouchMyWine

If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.

@NoogsCorner

Superman’s only weakness is the extremely rare Kryptonite that all his enemies have.

@reallifemommy3

What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.