(Animal school)

Lion: That’s my desk

Wildebeast: Sorry, I’m gnu

-5 minutes later

Sloth: *slowly falling from chair* Ha. Ha. Ha. Gnu!

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We all have that one singing coworker that makes you want to test your throat grip.


When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.


[training the new person at work]

Them: so you do this everyday?

Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes


Me: I’m a programmer.

Person 1: “make my website pls”

Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”

Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”

Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”

Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”


Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.

Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.

Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of


[calls wife from store]

“Are you in more of a frolicking or jumping in the air mood? There’s so many tampon choices”


If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.


Superman’s only weakness is the extremely rare Kryptonite that all his enemies have.


What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.