I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
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Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
Webb. James Webb.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”