If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
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This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
For when Tinder doesn’t work
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
i was baptized in a car wash
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
guys i’ve cracked the code
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there