Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
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“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.