(Animal spelling bee)

Owl: Your word is Mississippi

Snake: M I Sssssss Sssssssss


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Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.


My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.


If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.


A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.

It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.


Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…

Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!


Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.