@ThaJawn

(Animal spelling bee)

Owl: Your word is Mississippi

Snake: M I Sssssss Sssssssss

Badger: *in audience* OH FFS THIS IS GONNA TAKE FOREVER

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@AmberTozer

If I’m ever being chased by a giraffe I’m gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans sorry giraffe but I gotta do what’s best for me

@urbanfriendden

surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter

@nbadag

GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT

@MissHavisham

7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.

@ch000ch

therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-

me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u

@sixfootcandy

Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.

@WhatevaConc

Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.

@copymama

I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.