Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
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TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
This a good idea
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Become a minion. Get that bread.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him