Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
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astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Baking is just science you can eat.
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.