@KenJennings

ANIMALS IT’S OK TO KILL IN AFRICA
1. Mosquitoes
2. Terminally ill zebra who signed a DNR
3. The Nazi monkey from Raiders of the Lost Ark

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@TweetsByKaylee

interview tip #86

be honest when asked about yourself

[later]

interviewer: so tell me about yourself

me: not without my lawyer present

@KeithAshers

Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.

@daddydoubts

My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.

@animaldrumss

Arnold Palmer: get me a refreshing drink
Barkeep: try this, its lemonade and iced tea
Arnold Palmer: Mmm… its good… I just invented it.

@TheTweetOfGod

All human beings are threads interwoven in the great tapestry of life, except for that one guy at your office. What the hell is his problem?

@Cheeseboy22

My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.

@SondraDeeMe

If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.

@pants_leg

i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives