@envydatropic

Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.

*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*

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@Dr_awfulpants

Who decided to call it an English to French dictionary and not a Two – Deux list?

@Mardigroan

“How is tofu made?”

Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….

@david8hughes

[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.

@pizzajaynow

You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.

@DrDogMD

Cat: I think i have a rash.

Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD

@Thynebear

Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project

@BlondAmbitionTO

Date: Do you go camping?

Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?

@2tickytacky

“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.

@plank_sinatra

My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”