Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
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If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺