Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
You Might Also Like
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0