[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
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Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
dumbledore: we need u to hand deliver the letter to harry
hagrid: why don’t u just make one magically appear into his hands
dumbledore: do i look like a wizard
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
“Your evolutionary biology thesis is rejected.”
“You added (lmao) every time you mentioned Homo Erectus.”