@living_marble
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
@NewDadNotes
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
@paulrust
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
@tchrquotes
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
@geowizzacist
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
@Reverend_Scott
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
@Dani_Feld
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
@sploosk
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
@sass_n_ass
My neck,
My back,
My Netflix
and my snacks…
@underchilde
Sorry I totaled your car. I saw your kid made the honor roll, so I let go of the wheel to applaud.
@Ristolable
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”