@living_marble

Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!

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@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I’m a big dog person

ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford

@XplodingUnicorn

[texting]

Wife: Clean out your bowels.

Me: OK.

Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink

Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.

@DirtMcTurd

Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!

Me: that’ll all stop once you show up

@noimnotjewish

Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?

@5hael

Once you go black, you can always go back to having coffee with milk, there’s really no set in stone rules here.

@TweetPotato314

Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?

Me: no thanks. I hate stairs

Date: coffee means sex

Me: how many stairs?

@hazelmotes1

Pink Camouflage: for when you go pheasant hunting on the old cotton candy plantation.