Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
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Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.