@living_marble

Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!

You Might Also Like

@kirkfox

I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.

@AnniemuMary

Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.

@MarkoESQ

Because the platypus both lays eggs and produces milk, it is one of the few animals that can make its own custard.

@Tmoney68

*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*

Me: Is anyone here with us?

T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E R

M: Oh my god! Mom!

@PastorBate

[Spelling Bee]
Your word is palindrome

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Go hang a salami I’m a lasagna hog.

@heiditron3000

When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide

@UncleDuke1969

The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.

@MaverickBistro

Have you ever listened to some folks talk for a bit and thought … their cornbread ain’t done in the middle

@envydatropic

Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.