@living_marble

Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!

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@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a penguin.

Penguin: actually I’m a spy.

God: uh no you aren’t.

Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?

God: that’s just what you look like.

Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.

God:

Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.

@paulrust

The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.

@tchrquotes

Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.

@geowizzacist

(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)

Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.

That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.

@Reverend_Scott

DOG 911: What’s ur emer-

DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE

DOG 911: so?

DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

@Dani_Feld

Me: I wish for a lightsaber.

Genie: Be realistic.

Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.

Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?

@sploosk

once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water

@underchilde

Sorry I totaled your car. I saw your kid made the honor roll, so I let go of the wheel to applaud.

@Ristolable

My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”