Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
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Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.