Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
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Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
this is the news I live for
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you