Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
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if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
This is no longer winter this is harassment
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?