Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
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As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
socratic questions
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse