Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
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I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
twitter users today:
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
blocked.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
oh my god
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.