“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
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I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.