@Hurly_Burly

Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool

That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.

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@Parentpains

Whenever I hear about a man jumping off a bridge I can’t help but wonder how long he was dating my ex.

@PaperWash

I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.

@CruisinSoozan

I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.

Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.

@_Tempo11

Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.

@tornebrook

I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.

@dumbbeezie

If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer

@imteddybless

my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”