@ericsshadow

[anniversary dinner]

HER: tell me something that will make my heart race

ME: my credit card got declined

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@freeDone01

My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.

@TweetPotato314

Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent

Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?

@PinkCamoTO

If we’ve learned anything from history…

I’d be amazed.

@KeetPotato

my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son

@Parkerlawyer

My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.

Eventually they’ll break.

@tdwyer618

“Dad, why did Jesus have to die on the cross?”

“He didn’t do his 1st grade homework.”

@DeeLish_DG13

I sometimes feel like the Angel on my shoulder is on vacation & the Devil invited his cousin over for a play date

@Home_Halfway

ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*

ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5

@lukelachance_

My dog beat me to a jalapeno that I dropped on the floor, and the look of instant regret on his face will forever be seared into my brain.