[anniversary dinner]

HER: tell me something that will make my heart race

ME: my credit card got declined

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My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.


Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.


Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent

Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?


If we’ve learned anything from history…

I’d be amazed.


my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son


My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.

Eventually they’ll break.


“Dad, why did Jesus have to die on the cross?”

“He didn’t do his 1st grade homework.”


I sometimes feel like the Angel on my shoulder is on vacation & the Devil invited his cousin over for a play date


ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*

ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5


My dog beat me to a jalapeno that I dropped on the floor, and the look of instant regret on his face will forever be seared into my brain.