[anniversary text]

H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.

M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?

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6 made coffee for me this morning, I’m now thinking that she can never move out of the house


Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS

Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to


Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.


lifeguard: can you describe the thing that touched you?

me: yea…it was like a wet wind chime made out of wieners

lifeguard: a squid?


Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run


MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.


“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”

– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills


WAITER: what can I get you?

ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having

WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*


“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”

– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers


mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice

waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water

10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*