God: you’re a parrot.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
Annoucement: At my funeral, all my tweets shall be recited. I will then haunt whomever leaves first, demanding honest feedback for eternity.
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Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Today, I saw that my ironing board cover was wrinkled. I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because irony has the word iron in it.
A time gather around with your family, and realize why you only allow them in your house once a year.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
HER: do you like charades?
MIME: [thumbs up]
MIME: [nodding ‘yes’]
MIME: [shooting self with finger gun]
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Me: right well one of you is a liar then