After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
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4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace